Can’t do this.
Current mood: confused

I can't, I can't.

I have spent the last year of my life trying to fall out of love with you, to try to make it easier. It's so hard when we're so close. I can't do this with you... but I cannot do this without you.

When I wake up next to you it's like being in the perfect place. Everything is happy. When you're in my arms it's like there is nothing in the world that can hurt us. I love it when you sleep next to me, when you cuddle up and I can hold you close. You're warm, you're beautiful, you're everything to me. I lay there and I run my fingers over your shoulders, through your hair, across your back... you move, you get closer. I hug you, you hug me, and I can't do anything but smile. It's so contenting and it's so perfect.

It's so good.

It's so hard.

Every time I look at you I have to smile. I love you more than life itself. Every time I think about it though, I want to disappear because it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I try to focus this elsewhere but where else can I go?

This has been an ongoing problem. I was doing so well... but now I am falling again. I would tell you to stop doing this, but it's not you. It's me who is going to end up fucking up this relationship again because I can't be content with its current state.

That's why I haven't told you and that's why I am writing this. here, you probably won't read it. I can't tell you. I can tell you anything but this, because if this were brought to your attention then things would change again... and I can't do that anymore. But I can't keep going on like this.

I wish I could stop this. I wish I could stop being such a fucking idiot who imagines something is there when it's clearly not. You are in a relationship, and it's a good one, please don't let me fuck that up for you too.

God, I am sorry to whoever reads this. This is the sorriest excuse for a blog I think I have ever written. Well, written in a while.

Ah well. Shit happens, and I will keep trying to get past this.

This crap goes back to October. I write like shit, but if I don't, I'll go nuts trying to figure out what to say. The top one I wrote just tonight. I don't know what else to say about it.

It feels so barren inside
Desolate
Like a fire burned everything down
An empty shell
A lonely hell
Creating nightmares instead of dreams

This is what,
What my soul's become
And it makes me wonder if it can ever be saved
When I'm so lost
My soul is lost
I wonder if I can ever be saved....

So much destruction inside
Tearing
It's like the fire's still burning
But the furnace is cold
It's getting old
And I can't seem to sleep tonight.

This is what,
What my soul's become
And it makes me wonder if it can ever be saved
When I'm so lost
My soul is lost
I wonder if I can ever be saved....

And part of it's you, part of it's me
There's wanting and needing
But which, I can't see
Confusion, distortion, delusion
I'm blind

This is what,
What my soul's become
And it makes me wonder if it can ever be saved
When I'm so lost
My soul is lost
I wonder if I can ever be saved....

...so lost...

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

To put it simply, the reason I was upset is because I can't figure out what it is about me that no one likes me, or that I am always forgotten.

To put another matter somewhat simply, I am jealous for two reasons. One, I loved her, you loved her. I thought she felt the same, but it wasn't, and in some ways, I feel betrayed. Two, I loved her, you loved her, and I shouldn't tell you this, but don't think she hasn't considered you.

I am just hurt because what I thought was mutual was not. When she kissed me it was like all the things I had felt came together, and that it was real.

But it wasn't.

Because it's not meant to be.



But that doesn't stop it from hurting any.


I told her it felt like we had gone through a breakup. A really bad one, because it felt so terrible. And it just keeps feeling that way the farther it goes. One, I am thinking my motivations weren't what I thought, and that makes me so angry with myself. Because I swear that it was real, I don't want it to be about anything else. Two, it was never mutual.... this has been the hardest thing so far for me to understand.

It was never mutual...

She never felt the same.

Ever.

This is the part I am now struggling to get over. This. Because I thought, at least it wasn't just me, she just got over it quicker. But this is untrue. Because she wasn't like me at all in this. Everyone says I was confused, but I know what I feel, dammit. I felt taken care of and like I could be that for someone. I could be trusted enough to share something like that with. The only thing I was confused about was the fact that it wasn't that way the other way around. I didn't see it. After it all was over, I had a suspicion, but I let it go, and I was wrong.

Idiot. Such an idiot. So blind.

I'm not really angry with Jon. It's just... I don't want anyone else to take that role from me! it's not mine, but I want it so bad and I can't. And to see someone else trying to get in there just... I want to cry. I know it never replaces me, but I am still jealous. And I hate myself for it too, because you have every right to be happy, I want you to be happy, but my insides keep telling me I want you to be happy with me which isn't a possibility. So I guess I'll have to deal, eh?

I am trying......

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I've been thinking a whole hell of a lot lately. You know, I've been a bit afraid to post most of it on here for fear of being called "emo" or just.. I don't know. But since my recent revelation that I have been trying to deny, I realize it doesn't matter. Because that reality I discovered is that I am alone.

So ready? Here's my thoughts on life:

It sucks.

And I'm so sick and tired of being alone.

And I wonder what's really left to live for.

After all, I try so hard to get along, to fit in, to make friends, and it never works. I sit in my room at night and wonder if I will get a phone call or if it will be like normal and I get nothing.

I've only got one person and even that person.. I feel very distant from as of late.

Yesterday evening I just broke down and cried, because I received news that yet another person is uncomfortable around me, yet still pretended to be nice, and never actually told me. It wasn't neccessarily that I am upset about this person, it was just one of many straws recently breaking the camel's back.

What is so wrong with me!?

I can't even go to camp anymore because I just end up getting left somewhere. If I do go along, I feel awkward, like it's out of pity or something.

I just want to lie down and never wake up. Then I wouldn't have to feel like this, I could be in heaven and be free. But that's not something I can choose for myself.

So since I can't stay feeling like this... but I can't make myself go away... it means I need the in between option.

I'm sorry.

Forgive me.

If I ever do anything.

Oh and just to let you faithful readers know, you won't be reading this. It's going on private AGAIN because I can't have my Xanga post or me being the talk of the camp now can I.

Oh well a few of you got lucky cause I changed it to protected.

Back to private.

Friday, June 30, 2006

"**Edited** I'm not going to share anymore, because..I kinda just want to do that with one person."


Freakin' Jon...

Damn it! I don't hate you but I can't stand you! What am I supposed to do about that?!

You can't.... keep trying to take this away from me. But I can't take it away from you. Either of you. What am I supposed to do?

Why do you keep saying these things?

Damn it I am cursed.

I can't be "charming" like that anymore. I was and then all this shit happened. And I complained nonstop. And now I can't do it, every time I am it's like I get hit with a bigger wave of complaining coming out of my mouth. I just keep whining. But what am I supposed to do about it?

There's nothing I can do! If I keep trying, I feel guilty. If I stop trying, I feel frustrated. If I do this, that, the other thing... But you, you can keep trying all you want and you'll grow on her and she'll accept it, but when I try, it's "no that doesn't work."

Damn it, WHAT CAN I DO?

I just want to be that for you!

I want to hold you, comfort you, be there for you! I want you to feel safe with me!

And I want to be not hurt by this!

The worst part is, if anything were to ever happen again, I'd just feel guilty, like I pressured you into it and you didn't want it.

Just....

damn it.

I'm forced to look away
You're beautiful, but don't let me
Don't let me see you
'Cause see, my perception's all wrong
You're more than this, but somehow
It's all I think about
The wanting, needing you
I want you for more than that
I want you for your spirit
I want you for your sould
And lastly for your kiss, not first or in between
If we could both just remember that
We'd be alright, at least in our eyes
But as you said.. this us,
This us has no future as this us
So as much as I'll miss this
At least we have a future together
Arm in arm, best friends forever
And though this doesn't lessen the pain
Or slow the madness and frustration
It is still a future and still a hope
Because I can still love you

She sat down and looked at him, wondering what he would do next. She knew her words had done damage and the distant look in his eye was more than enough evidence to support her claim. As he stared blankly into the far corner, his lips twitched, and he struggled to speak. His head was in so much turmoil, and words weren't seeming as important as they once had. Still, he forced himself to speak, using the only two words that would come to mind. "I'm afraid." Lost on what to do next, he just sat, staring, absorbing. He wanted to cry, curled up in a ball; he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, he wanted to break something, throw his fist into a mirror, something, anything! But nothing. He could do nothing, nothing except turn and look into her eyes, searching. He looked deep, seeing the eyes he once found comfort in now glazed over with betrayal never to be avenged. He couldn't understand what was happening. "Stop! Think!" he thought, and that he did, never even glancing away from those eyes. FInally, after a long painful silence, he spoke quietly. "As long... as long as this is what you want.. as long as this makes you happy...then.. well... I hope you find someone that will make you as happy as you have made me before now." He grasped his coat, stood, and turned to leave. But as he did, he noticed the tears in her eyes. Softly, he leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "I will always love you." And with that, he turned and walked out the door.

Love is something I will never understand. All I know is that right now I care for someone so much, that all I want is for them to be happy. Regardless of whether or not I am included in that happiness. Because I am so grateful for what I have now. This person is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I won't lose that because I want something that this person does not. I would rather stay good friends than have nothing at all. I just want them to know that I would be willing spend the rest of my life with them if it was wanted.


Is that close to love? Because that is how I feel.



So ok, I tell you this.

You say to me, ok, so you love someone, tell them. You support me.


Now wait I haven't explained properly to you to get how you really feel. Read carefully.



I love someone so much that I would give up everything for her to be happy.



Now how do you feel? Do you feel hatred towards me? Do you feel that I am wrong? Disgusting? Perverted? A sinner?

Judge, then. It's no better or worse than what you think of me anyway.

Love... it's an interesting term. It's also often overused, and I regret to say that I myself am guilty of this as well. I thought I knew what love was, but then again, I've thought that many different times.

This situation has caused a lot of stress, and a lot of pain for the both of us. But I am really glad it hasn't torn us apart. I've been thinking, and I'm starting to see some of the problems I have.

One of the things I think is causing me problems is that I want to feel loved. I also want to feel needed by somebody. And while I feel that you love me all the time... somehow those other things just make it more real, I guess. I really don't need them, but they put out this illusion, I think, of the way we think we want to be loved. And you know, it may be that we do want that, but not from each other. I know you love me, I believe you love me. I don't need much else.

It's nothing anyone can do anything about, I've just found that I am a very physical person, I guess. I like hugs, I like snuggles, I like back massages, and I like these things a lot. I tend to rely on these things too much, however. It's not healthy, at least I don't think it is, to only feel comforted by someone's arms around you. But that's how I get, I get dependent. Sometimes I will catch myself thinking about how much I wish you were around when I feel down, because I know you will hold me tight and I will feel better. But, again, I rely too much on these things.

I've also found out a few of the things that were being labled "love" by me and really weren't. Or... at least one or two of those things. Don't get me wrong at all, doing those things I still feel towards you, but they don't change it except to make it more physical versus emotional and real. Like first of all... the kissing thing. I've really come to the conclusion that once I hit that point, I am no longer thinking for myself, my body is. I want those things purely for the pleasure they bring, nothing more. Well, except one thing, which is I like to make you feel good too. And I mean, we don't do anything past that, but I like you to be enjoying yourself when we are together as well. I want you to feel loved too, and I want you to feel like your needs are taken care of, I guess. I want to take care of you.

Which all brings me to my next point, the one that points out a few more flaws in my logic behind things. I'm starting to see some of my problem in wanting to take care of you. First of all, I cannot be what you need, no mater how hard I try. I am not what you are looking for. You know this, but sometimes, I think that I don't, and I try too hard to be that for you. I'm not trying to be disgusting or overpowering or anything, I just want to be there for you through everything for whatever you need. But I'm realizing as much as I can physially do for you, I still can't be that, it's not meant to be for either of us. So that's one thing I need to learn.

Secondly.... I've run into myself in realizing that I'm not sure I know how to properly love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, I just can't show it the right way. I think that's one of the keys right there. It's not the love that I truly have that is wrong, it's the way I display and show my affection towards you. It's really... the only way I know how that I know you will understand and believe. I sometimes just don't feel that telling you is enough, or that you believe me when I tell you these sorts of things. Things like you are attractive, you are not fat, you are an amazing person, and things like I love you. And so I find myself trying to prove those points to you almost, because I don't feel that telling you is enough, I want you to know it all the way through that you are loved, and all those other things. I apologize if it sounds like I am copying some of the things you said to me, I'm not trying to. I remember way back when you said something about us being so alike...

I still have more thinking to do, and figuring out. One thing, for instance... is that I find myself somehow very attracted to the female figure, something I have yet to explain. And it's not really most girls either. Mostly you and like one or two actresses. It's funny, because I find guys attractive too, but I dunno, I can't picture myself with a guy that way really. Maybe it's cause of how I am or something. Either way, it's something the devil's putting in my head, and I promise to try and sort it out.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. I love you...

uhm.

YES.

and... well...

i suppose i shouldn't be happy...





but i am.

( things about life )

yea. so in a nutshell i really still want this, and want to do something, anything. but it's not right and i don't want to hurt anyone, especially not her. so.... i'll try.

Sunday, April 24, 2005
Currently Playing
Confession
By Ill Niño
see related
- How Can I Live
i now have two desicions to respect. and don't get me wrong... i do respect them. and i understand them.



and by no means do i like or agree with them. but it's not my choice.



it's what happens though. i'm just a little dissapointed that there might be a third i have to deal with from another person.



it also happens.



and i shouldn't care.



but i'm selfish. i want things to happen that i can't change. and i want them a lot for my own reasons. because i'm not sure i'll make it.



however, i'll just have to.



but God, i need help. i can't do this.

Posted 4/24/2005 at 10:58 PM - email it

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you are doing it kid. it isn't pretty and it isn't easy, i can tell you that. it may not get easier for a while. you are strong kid. you'll be there you'll be strong kid.

i'm here for you.
Posted 4/24/2005 at 11:02 PM by bonovox269 - delete - block user


~ Matthew 21:22 ~ Yeah no one can do it without God. I am kinda glad he helps us all out. Peace.
Posted 4/25/2005 at 5:20 PM by Amber1107 - delete - block user

Thursday, April 21, 2005
Currently Playing
The Best of 1980-1990
By U2
see related
- New Year's Day - -
..this is rough... really rough... why?

this is hurting her more than even i can understand.







i guess it's what happens, though.





if i have one, then take mine, give it to her. please. i would gladly give it up if she could be ok again. cause look, i'm sorry, but the reasons i got were the stupidest reasons ever, ok? so take whatever i've got and give it to her. do something, not this.



i don't know what it took to make this desicion, though. so i won't fight it anymore, not here. i'll try... and learn to accept it... at least on the surface.



buddy... i'm sorry. i love you. stay strong.





keep her in your prayers, guys.

Posted 4/21/2005 at 11:00 PM - email it

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i'm getting the feeling from justin's site that you're talking about darbie, is she alright? i just want to know that she's okay

<3

Posted 4/21/2005 at 11:48 PM by mood_ring_gurl - delete - block user


of course i'll pray for her hun. keep me posted. keep your chin up Janelle, you're a great friend to everyone, and it doesn't go unnoticed.


chin up.
Posted 4/22/2005 at 12:11 AM by bonovox269 - delete - block user


You're a great friend to everyone but especially her. Keep praying. Something good must come of this. God has some purpose. It's trusting him to lead that gets sticky.

Keep looking towards the stars.
MYLY

Friday, March 25, 2005
Currently Playing
Adema
By Adema
see related
- The Way You Like It
i'm really frustrated.

i had a long entry, but i decided not to post it.





i do, however, have a challenge. i've been doing a lot of thinking, and i realized how much gossip there really is in the world. it's just.. not healthy.

rumors hurt. for all of you who didn't hear last summer, my best friend an i were the subject of a rumor only the second week i started to work. and look, i know that 'that's what happens at camp', but that's no excuse.

i know i should just get over it, but that cut me deep. i really thought i had found a place where people wouldn't judge me, and wouldn't you know it, people were talking behind my back, and it really hurt a lot. and it didn't just hurt me, it hurt my best friend. to be honest, it still makes me nervous to think it might happen again.

rumors and gossip hurt a lot of people all the time, and sadly, they are the norm in our world.

so my challenge is for us to stop doing it. step out of the box. we need to learn to control our tongues. i know that i'm just as bad as the next guy. but i'm going to make a concious effort on this too.

if you really want to know something about somebody, then go and ask them. don't sit around and ask other people, don't sit around and make jokes about them, or tell others things you don't know for certain. don't stay in your safe haven. seek truth.

go to the person and ask. go talk to them.

it may be hard for some, but it encourages trust. people will trust you more, and your confidence in others can rise if you know and they know that gossip is on your 'no' list.

so look, i'm sorry if it seems like i'm preaching or something.. things like this just get to me and i really want to try and deter them from happening. so if it's something no one wants to try, fine. but if it is, i'll be there with you, cause i'm trying as well.



take care.

Posted 3/25/2005 at 6:39 PM - email it

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janelle janelle, you're a legend.
Posted 3/25/2005 at 8:02 PM by bonovox269 - delete - block user


As long as you promise to be your loud self and call all of us out when we gossip.
Did anyone ever mention you're awesome, Well you are.

MYLY
Posted 3/25/2005 at 8:17 PM by philalethistlm - delete - block user


I agree with your post! Go tell all the people who do it to me too!
Posted 3/26/2005 at 7:12 AM by Wildfish - delete - block user


I think its a good idea but we all do it every day.... it would be hard

Im not saying its bad.....i agree with u

Posted 3/26/2005 at 5:49 PM by superdancegirl5590 - delete - block user


It's a good goal to strive for darling.

Oh ps, you're cheerleading skills surprisingly amazed the crap outta me. You can be my personal cheerleader. lol

Posted 3/28/2005 at 9:17 PM by Nite_Angel - delete - block user


It's a good goal to strive for darling.

Oh ps, you're cheerleading skills surprisingly amazed the crap outta me. You can be my personal cheerleader. lol

Posted 3/28/2005 at 9:17 PM by Nite_Angel - delete - block user

God.. is it ok to say it hurts? So... so, so much. Is it ok to say it's not fair? Why was I born the way I was if I'm going to feel like this? Why does it have to be this way? Am I just searching, or is this as real as it feels? I hate it. I hate the fact that those are the only times I am ever really happy. It's not such a raw deal, but it just magnifies everything. I'm not saying I don't want to be happy and content then but just.. more. Why does it have to be so wrong? All the time I think about how unfair it all is. I finally feel something and it's wrong. It's not true because it can't be. And I don't want it, I know I don't but at the same time... did you ever look someone in the eyes and feel like you wanted to be with them forever? Just for a split second.. and then you realize with fast falling hopes that it's a horrible thought to think. You realize how disgusting you feel and how uncomfortable you really are with yourself, with your mind, with your body. You realize how it's wrong and then you realize it still hurts, even with the knowledge that you don't want it, you don't need it, it's impossible, and it's totally wrong... it still hurts. Why? God, why? I will not be a disgusting human being. Yet it seems that that's all I am and ever will be. A sniveling little creature with no life, no love, no nothing because it was all wasted on false dreams and hopes. I can't be that... I can't.

I need You. I need help in fixing this. I need help. And no one else can really do it for me, only I can and I keep stalling, I keep wondering. I can't do that. Help me concentrate, help me understand, help me cope and keep it away, help this be nothing more than what it is, help me not to ruin everything for someone, help that someone to be happy.. even if I am not included in supplying or assisting or even a part of that happiness. Explain to me what real love is, so maybe I won't go screwing that up too. Help her understand that I don't mean to hurt her, I would never, ever. I can't even imagine how this must feel, like a thousand needles puncturing the skin... I'm sorry, God.. please.. Please help.